What Would Jesus Do?
An email from a Christian youth group landed in my inbox this week (I sign up to all sorts of crap). They claimed my soul could be saved if I followed their simple lifestyle advice: attend Church every Sunday, celibacy before marriage and so on and so forth. In short, the typical Christian message wrapped up in an eccentric evangelical zeal. Needless to say, it doesn’t sound like much fun. It did however, get me thinking. Why are there so many Christians in the world while celibacy before marriage remains one of his cornerstone tenants? It’s such a constrictive practise; can’t unmarried Christians (students, perhaps?) engage in a bit of fun?If say, a happily married Christian couple were feeling adventurous, would Christ approve of oral sex? What about anal play, or a spot of harmless fisting? I have scoured my Bibles dusty pages looking for guidance. You may be surprised to read that the good book it is actually quiet helpful in these matters.
Now, to begin, what say about oral sex? Fellatio was, until recently, grouped together with sodomy in some States in the US. However, this should not put off the morally minded Christian. The Song of Solomon provides some guidance here, creating the scriptural allusion of ‘giving head’ in the lines "In his shade I took great delight and sat down, and his fruit was sweet to my taste." (Song of Solomon 2:3). This description portrays oral sex as a somewhat fruity, natural occurrence, something akin, for instance, to eating a humble banana.
If, my Christian friends, you decide to take my advice, and engage in a little mouth play, I would advise you to swallow. No doubt some readers will be familiar with the story of Onan, who was struck down because "he spilled it on the ground". (Genesis 38:9). The message is simple; avoid death by coming in her mouth. Jesus even suggests that semen has healing qualities. When he speaks to a woman in Samaria, he asks her to fetch her husband and drink his "living water". (John 4:10-16). This, as one would expect, replenishes her soul.
Homosexuality is, of course, a sin in the Bible. Sodom has left gay men with little sexual guidance from the Almighty, other than a general message of "don’t do it". This, however, does not deprive straight couples of investigating the potential of the posterior. In fact, many Biblical passages allude to the act of anal sex between men and women. Lamentations 2:10 describes how "The virgins of Jerusalem have bowed their heads to the ground," and again in the Song of Solomon, a lover urges his mate to allow him to enter her from behind: "Draw me after you, let us make haste." (Song of Solomon, 1:4). Crucially, do not worry about smiting the lord through the dirty perversions of the anus, after all, "to the pure, all things are pure." (Titus 1:15).
Now, for some anal sex is a tad extreme, but for the little more adventurous amongst you, the Lord offers some interesting observations on the matter of fisting. Fisting, for those not in the know, involves inserting the entire hand, or part of the arm into the vagina of your sexual partner (or the bottom if your that way inclined). Some may think this a bit garish for a Christian couple (if your married remember to take off your ring first!), but descriptions of the hand and fist appear throughout the Bible as symbols of Gods power: "O God, God of our ancestors, are you not God in heaven above and ruler of all kingdoms below? You hold all power and might in your fist." (2 Chronicles 20:6) Of course, the Old Testament is also littered with references to God smiting his enemies with his fist. However, as any student of the Bible will know, Gods hand can also be tender and loving: "You open your hand and satisfy the desire of every living thing." (Psalms 145:16).
While the missionary position may be off limits until wedding day, I see no reason why young Christians can’t enjoy themselves. Ignore those who tell you not to have fun. Go forth and get naked, and do it with Gods blessing!
posted by Alexander Try @ 12:55 am
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